I have a confession to make. Sometimes, I break my resolutions. Although the lesson was valuable at the time I blogged about it, I forget my commitment to change and let the status quo pull me in. The worst part? I usual break resolutions I made in the hopes of making my life easier.
Balancing full-time work, part-time school, a relationship, friends and family has taken it's toll over the past few months. I bring work's anxiety home with my everyday. After a brief check-in, I move onto the plethora of readings, discussions and writing to complete my online Master's degree. I get in bed without having had a moment to turn my brain off all day. By the time the weekend rolls around, I can barely move from exhaustion, not simply from the activity of the week, but from the stress of it.
To be completely frank, I have been miserable.
A few weeks back, my sister and I kicked off our Oscar Buzz Movie fest, where we watch all the movies we anticipate will be nominated. On that Tuesday evening in the middlle of the week, the enthrallment of Argo pulled me out of the day's monotony and evaporated all the week's stress. The post-movie debrief was the perfect escape. I got home remembering how much I needed even the smallest night out.
But, I already knew this. I blogged about it in Resolution #44: Find Your Escape.
Since starting to share a space with my boyfriend, the limited free time I have is spent with him. These free moments are spent doing what we both enjoy, watching Big Bang Theory, The Simpsons (ok that's what he enjoys), telling each other about our day, eating dinner, baking (what I enjoy), or just laying in bed, talking until noon. But, years of living alone taught me the value in spending time alone doing what only I love. I blogged about it in Resolution #71: Make Me Time.
Finally, the worst offending resolution I break often is #73: Slow Down. Someone needs to tattoo this on my forehead. Somedays I want to scream it aloud in my office: "CHILL OUT AND SLOW DOWN THIS IS YOUR LIFE AND YOU'RE LIVING IT TOO FAST." But I already knew this. What changed?
I liken the pull of the status quo to gravity. Imagine asking the rolling waves to stop washing in and out, or the Earth to stop orbiting the sun. Similar to my behaviour, they've been doing it since the beginning of time, rhythmically and reliably, and they do it well. And just like the pull of gravity, the status quo sucks me in and forces me to keep behaving in that same, rhymthic, reliable way.
Maybe someday, after having unlearned and relearned lessons enough, I'll be better at anticipating the unlearning process and preventing the ensuing stress, anxiety, and miserableness. Until then, my blog serves as a written record that I need to be accountable for. I can't simply shrug my shoulders and saying "ah well, maybe I'll know better next time". I have a duty to myself, to my blog, and to my readers to stay faithful to my resolutions.
So, thank you, dear readers, for keeping me honest. And for understanding that although the aim of this blog is for me to achieve perfection... I'm not quite there yet.