You can imagine, then, how hard it was to be diagnosed with cancer, and have my whole understanding of my existence turned completely on its head.
In one meeting with my boss, where I explained how my working hours would change to accommodate treatment, tears overcame me when I imagined my cohesive, high-functioning work team learning to do without me. I found so much fulfillment in playing my vital role, that the thought of being replaced (and in my mind being rendered useless) terrified me.
As it turned out, being replaceable is a good thing. When treatment knocked my energy level down to nothing, I had the option of going on sick leave simply because my team is so high-functioning. And when I returned after my sick leave, a new and improved role awaited me.
At the end of November, my routine will be turned on their head once again, as I plan to leave my apartment of three incredible years and move in with my boyfriend (aahhhhhh!!!!!). And although this change is far more positive than cancer, it will still be as shocking to my system.
Oddly enough, I'm exhilarated and motivated by my fear. Maybe it's because I'm taking a step forward rather than backward this time.... Or, maybe it's because my experience over the past year has given me evidence of how positive change can be.
I may only be able to tell how advantageous the change is in retrospect, so until then, I'm holding on for the ride!