I don't know where to start writing this post. I suppose admitting that is a start. The thing is, I don't write about happy events. I (either unconsciously or consciously) omit from them from this blog. I'm not sure how to reflect on them, learn from them, and grow from them. And those are the three things this blog is about.
But this news is different. Like, way, way different. It's the one resolution I have asterisked incomplete. It's the topic that's been occupying my blog for the past year. Most importantly, it's been my standard for having completed my cancer journey - once achieved, I could believe that my body had healed.
So here goes: My husband and I are expecting. A baby. In August.
That happy feeling I don't know how to write about? I think it's called joy. That's what I have felt everyday since we found out (along with consistent shock and occasional panic). And I can't analyze it because I don't want to. There's something about it that makes it easy to accept without asking questions. Over the past eight months, I've welcomed it and made space for it in my life. Unlike the sadness and heartache I have endured over the past year, it feels natural and good.
So, what now? I imagine that this will be the last post for some time as I enter this new phase of my life. In the spirit of my blog, however, I feel compelled to leave you with a bit of what I've learned from this joyful experience: Just as life can surprise and shock you with pain and loss, so too can it surprise and shock you with joy and fulfillment. Both are fleeting and impermanent. All you need is patience to endure and wait on both.
My post-cancer journey is, of course, not over. But this seed of hope growing inside me has allowed me to feel what I've often perceived to be the most risky emotion - optimism. This is only the tip of the iceberg so far as the joy my husband and I are set to experience. It's exciting to know this is only the beginning.
The final thing I have to say is thank you. To you, for reading my blog and for supporting me. Your love and support has helped me to get to this place. I will make it my life's work to offer others the kindness, compassion, and dedication you have offered me.
Starting with our sweet little girl.