Saturday, December 7, 2013

Resolution Reflections: Today, I'm not worrying about cancer

Today, I’m not going to worry.

I’m not going to worry about you, laying in a hospital bed while your family looks on, full of cautious hope and eager anticipation.

I’m not going to worry about him, who passed away almost a decade ago, leaving his family broken and longing for his calm strength and easy demeanor.

And I’m not going worry about myself. The girl living in fear of a recurrence, terrified of the day the cancer she told everyone she beat will come back to claim her life.

I’m not going to worry about how fleeting good health is. Or how happiness can be stolen from a young couple in quick second. I won’t dream of a parallel universe where everything goes perfectly, and nobody every cries, and we all live long, happy, healthy lives. Where bad news never comes and bodies don’t need to heal. Hearts keep beating long into old age and permit a father to grow old with his daughters. And cancer doesn’t exist. Young girls keep their hair, health and happiness. I’ll push that na├»ve fantasy out of my mind. I’ll forget the time before we suffered. I’ll see it now for what it really is. And I won’t worry.

Today, I’ll look at this life, and be pleased with how it turned out. I will embrace a life that brings people together in a time of crisis, allowing them to talk about their love for each other openly, unafraid. A life that gives a young girl, so impacted by her father’s strong example and enduring love, a future with a caring and respectful partner, who loves her exactly how she wants to be loved. I will see this life the way it is, one where challenge is met with opportunity, and a cancer diagnosis, however unexpected, can give a girl the chance to grow into the person she always dreamed of being. I will believe this life is good. Hair, health and happiness are lost only temporarily. And sickness, like health, is fleeting.  

Because this is our life, I’m not going to worry. I will find happiness in unplanned and dissatisfying circumstances. I’ll see life as it is – a series of unanticipated events strung together to create an existence that, in between moments of suffering and heartache, offers glimpses of hope. I will rise to life’s challenge. I’ll be hopeful, and know that hope matters. I won’t demand answers, but instead, I’ll be intrigued by my questions. I’ll dare to live care and worry free.

I’m not going to worry, because you and I are going to be fine. Whatever ‘fine’ is, we’ll be it. In this life or the next. And we’ll accept ‘fine’ with open arms. For no other reason than, we have to. This is our life. Nobody else is going to live it for us. And worrying isn’t living.

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