Saturday, March 9, 2013

Resolution Reflections: To Be, or To Be Better?

The debate rages on and on and on in my head. Do I spend my precious free time committed to growth and change, or do I throw caution to the wind and just get out there and live?

The debate most recently raged on after I double-booked myself (a sure-fire way to help you get your priorities straight). My mindfulness-based-cognitive-therapy class happens to be on the same day that I purchased tickets to go see the Patti Smith exhibit and viewing of her short film at the Art Gallery of Ontario. Having prioritized and put pressure on this class to help me with the anxiety and depression I've experienced since treatment, naturally I opted to go to the class over the exhibit. My mental health, after all, was more important.

But talking it over with the friend I had tickets to go with, of course, offered a whole other perspective. (And if you're as vulnerable to persuasion as I am, you might have had one or two conversations like this in your own lifetime.) She read my signals. Clearly, I felt like I was missing out on a rare opportunity. She shared her own story of guilt after skipping a class of her own this week. In other words... we all did it. Priorities clashed and one trumped the other. No big deal.

As much as the class is helping me to get better, I know that an experience like Patti Smith (who's book I recently read and thoroughly enjoyed) coming to Toronto might not come around again. A rare, one-off event trumps a weekly event every time.


Man, I can't seem to get this right. Ideally, I do everything. I have fulfilling experiences and commit to ongoing growth (both are goals of 100 Resolutions, after all). I wrote recently about why I even bother with resolutions, but perhaps I over-emphasized the point. These decisions can be trivial. If I feel like going to the Patti Smith exhibit, I'll hit that up. If mindfulness is calling me that day, then that's where I'll be. Over-analyzing is obviously my forte, and in this instance, maybe I've got to turn it off. I'll just do what I wanna.

So what's the answer, to be, or to be better? In this instance, I'll just be, and 'being' is taking me to the Patti Smith exhibit. In the end, 'being better' is a life's work, and what I do on a Wednesday night in the middle of March won't make all the difference. So long as my commitment to 'being better' holds, 'being' will set me on the right path.

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